Thursday, May 5, 2011

More on the Mammogram Nightmare...

A situation nightmares are made of!!!!!!!!  


While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but ... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.        Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain' t rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!'

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Facing my first Mammogram...

Well, it's official.  I am 40 years old.  Therefore, some man somewhere decided that I need to go and have my boobies flatted out to the thickness of a dime to see if there is cancer in there somewhere.  If there isn't before they squish them, there probably will be when they are done.  I mean, seriously, who thought this up???  Their head should be put in the mammo machine!  I also considered that the doctor who ordered the mammo - a man for the sake of clarification - should have his balls put into the machine and flattened out.

My cousin says that I should practice for it.  Option 1 includes my lying on my side in the driveway while my husband drives over each boob repeatedly with his truck...seeing as how I crashed his truck last week, I think he may get a tad bit too much enjoyment out of that...  The next option involves me standing topless and braless in front of the fridge, opening the door and placing each boob against the edge and slamming the door repeatedly on it.  However, with the "peeper" neighbor we have, he may get way too involved in this one...  It is sad, but I feel some relief in finding out that I am not the only victim of his stalking and peeping.  The young lady that lives right next to me has found him peeping at her too - even pretty close to her windows.  I have considered running thru the yard naked to see if that is what he is dying to see - an overweight 40 yr old woman bare butt naked, but decided that if he didn't like what he saw while he was peeping that the police would probably be more than happy to come out and arrest me for "indecent exposure" even though if he wasn't being a "peeping tom" he wouldn't have seen it to begin with...

But I digress...After facing the fact that I am being forced into this squishiness, I called the hospital to find out how much this torture was going to cost me.  Well, after the coronary I had over the price, it would be cheaper, safer and less painful to just have both breasts removed now, and it would also result in at least a 5 pound weight loss.  Not to mention I would be able to skip the hormone replacement/birth control pills that I am probably going to be prescribed for the other "fun" things that have started going on in my body...

Not to mention that Chris will probably need regularly scheduled sanity breaks.  My Daddy had a tough situation himself.  When I was in puberty, my Mom was in menopause, so the hormones were thick and heavy  at our house all the time...I don't know how he did it, but he walked that fine line and kept the both of us happy and sane at least most of the time...God knows the torment he went thru keeping his mouth shut...It couldn't have been an easy time!

Hopefully I will be on here with my witty banter more often!  I miss blogging and have been silent for way too long.  Some days though it is more than I can do to get what HAS to be done finished, let alone what I WANT to do....

Thursday, December 30, 2010

My Laundry Poem....

The laundry breeds
When you're not looking,
While you're running the vacuum,
Or doing the cooking...

Load after load
In the washer it goes...
Gee, I don't even recognize
Half of these clothes!

Out of the washer
Then into the dryer.
Am I just imagining it;
Did that dirty pile grow higher??

Out of the dryer,
Now to fold and put away...
Doing the laundry eats up
All of our days!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Wedding - The final chapter...At Last...

I am sorry it has been so long since I have posted on here, but life has a way of grabbing you by the balls and shaking the shit out of you and then spitting you back out on the ground...

On Friday, Sept 10, we slept in and then headed out to Nag's Head and took a two hour dolphin tour.  It was really awesome!  We saw a lot of dolphins and even a mama and her baby!  That was really cool!  And the ride back was really cool too, literally!  A north wind started blowing across the sound at around 17+ mph!!  We were freezing!!  Thankfully the car was warm when we got there and we had our jackets in there.  We headed out to Blackbeard's Golf and played a round.  It would have been really neat if they hadn't waited till we were the 16th hole to turn the water effects on!  Of course Hubby whipped up on me!  But it was fun!  We went out to Jockey's Ridge and hiked on the dunes and got some great pictures!  There were 3 "ponds" there left over from Hurricane Earl.  And they were full of tadpoles.  I got to wade in two of them!  We got some souvenirs from Ben Franklin's and candy from Forbe's then headed back to Outback for supper!  When we got back to the house, we decided to ride our bikes out to Harris-Teter and get some milk.  Hubby was out in front and I had stopped to take some pictures of flowers and I was pedaling fast to catch up with him.  I went under a tall pine tree and a bird POOPED ON MY HEAD!!!  Now that bird had to time that just right!  What were the odds considering how fast I was riding that that bird would hit me in the head!!  We got our milk and rode back to the house where I got cleaned up and we found the WVU game on tv and watched it.  Marshall  was beating us BADLY, so we went to bed.  When we got up the next morning we found out that WVU had pulled it out in the fourth quarter and we had WON!  It was only 58 degrees on Sat morning so we laid around waiting for it to warm up a little.  Then we took our bikes for one last marathon ride out to the other end of the Currituck Club.  Over 7 miles total.  We had one hill that was a total killer, and I had an asthma/panic attack near the top of it, but we made it.  I had to stop and rest a while at the top but the view was incredible!   We returned our bikes and walked back to the house and got ready to shop at Tim Buck II.  We walked all around there and then got ready to go to the beach.  We didn't get to stay as long as we would have liked because it was just too cool.  I did track my "Just Married" flippies all up and down the boardwalk :)  We came back to the house and cleaned it up, and realized just how filthy it was!  We will definately NEVER use Sun Realty again!  On Sunday, we got ready and headed home!  It was a beautiful drive!  I would love to drive the road again from WV into VA.  The scenery cannot be beat!
After we got home on Mon, Hubby's eyes were really hurting so I got him an appt with our local eye doc.  My teeth were really hurting, so I got an appt with our local dentist.  Hubby got eye drops for severely dry eye and I got an antibiotic for a sinus infection that showed up on  dental xrays they took to check my teeth.  We got the meds and picked up some wedding presents from friends and came home to download the rest of our pictures and work on sorting them out and found out we had picked up a Trojan virus on our computer.  So Hubby spent the rest of the evening trying to save everything that the virus was trying to eat, including all our honeymoon photos.
My brother called about the party the following weekend, and then all the "no-shows" started coming in.   Hubby's parents were sick, his uncle had just been hospitalized with what turned out to be leukemia.  It had been quite the roller coaster since the wedding...My relatives were coming in from out of state for the party, and my brother wanted to do a cookout.  So the night before, my Mom went to pick up the cake and the cupcakes for the kids that were coming at Shop N Save in Fairmont.  When she got there, they told her we hadn't ordered cupcakes, so she had to wait while they found the order and did the cupcakes.  Then she got it all to the checkout and the checker hit the edge of the cake and sent in flying into the cupcakes, and they had to be redone.  Fortunately the cake itself survived, but it had the wrong icing on it, and they hadn't left any space for the bride and groom...I don't think we will be using them for the bakery again...After another 20 or 30 minutes Mom was on her way with the cakes...We had the party - 120 invited, 20 showed up...wow...talk about a let down.  At least I got to sing with my brother again.  That was really nice and all the close family was there.  My best friend came and did the pictures - and a wonderful job I might add!  If you need pictures, I strongly advise you to contact amandasue.com!  She is AWESOME!!  We got a lot of nice gift cards and got busy planning to continue our addition!   And after my last post, I was contacted by Sun Realty as to why I was so unhappy, and what they could do to remedy it...After I told them all the problems, they never bothered to contact me again...so just adding insult to injury!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

True Justice

Ya wonder why I pack??????

This is fantastic, this guy has an evil but great mind. The perp must be really frantic.

(I thought this was a hoot! )

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head...isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in twothreatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Read this slowly, let it sink in, VOTE TOMORROW (2012) !

 
This is about as clear and easy to understand as it can be. Please read the entire article.

 
The article below is completely neutral, not anti republican or democrat. 

 
Charlie Reese, a retired reporter for the Orlando Sentinel has hit the nail directly on the head,  defining clearly who it is that in the final analysis must assume responsibility for the judgments made that impact each one of us every day.  

 
It's a short but good read. Worth the time.  Worth remembering!   

 
 545 vs. 300,000,000   

 
EVERY CITIZEN NEEDS TO READ THIS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS JOURNALIST HAS SCRIPTED IN THIS MESSAGE.  READ IT AND THEN REALLY THINK ABOUT OUR CURRENT POLITICAL DEBACLE.   

 
Charley Reese has been a journalist for 49 years.   

 
545 PEOPLE -- By Charlie Reese   

 
Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.   

 
Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?  

 
Have you ever wondered, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?  

 
You and I don't propose a federal budget.  The president does.   

 
You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations.  The House of Representatives does.  

 
You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.   

 
You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.   

 
You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.   

 
One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices equates to 545 human beings out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.  

 
I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress.  In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.  

 
I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason.  They have no legal authority.  They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing.  I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash.  The politician has the power to accept or reject it.  No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.  

 
Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault.  They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.  

 
What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall.  No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits.  The   president can only propose a budget.  He cannot force the Congress to accept it.  

 
The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes.  Who is the speaker of the House?  Nancy Pelosi.  She is the leader of the majority party.  She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.  

 
It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million can not replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility.  I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people.  When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.  

 
If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.   

 
If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red ...   

 
If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them in IRAQ . If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.  

 
There are no insoluble government problems.   

 
Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power.  Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation," or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.  

 
Those 545 people and they alone, are responsible  

 
They and they alone, have the power.   

 
They and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses.   

 
Provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees! 

 
We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!   
    
Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.   

 
What you do with this article now that you have read it. It’s up to you and me  

 
Sales Tax   
School Tax   
Liquor Tax   
Luxury Tax   
Excise Taxes   
Property Tax   
Cigarette Tax   
Medicare Tax   
Inventory Tax   
Real Estate Tax   
Well Permit Tax   
Fuel Permit Tax   
Inheritance Tax   
Road Usage Tax   
CDL license Tax   
Dog License Tax   
State Income Tax   
Food License Tax   
Vehicle Sales Tax   
Gross Receipts Tax   
Social Security Tax   
Service Charge Tax   
Fishing License Tax   
Federal Income Tax   
Building Permit Tax   
IRS Interest Charges   
Hunting License Tax   
Marriage License Tax   
Corporate Income Tax   
Personal Property Tax   
 Accounts Receivable Tax   
Recreational Vehicle Tax   
Workers Compensation Tax   
Watercraft Registration Tax   
Telephone Usage Charge Tax   
Telephone Federal Excise Tax   
  Telephone State and Local Tax   
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)   
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)   
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)   
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax  
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax   
Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)  
Utility Taxes Vehicle License Registration Tax   
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes   
Telephone Recurring and Nonrecurring Charges Tax   
    

 
 Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, & our nation was the most prosperous in the world.   
 We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.   

 
What happened?  Can you spell “politicians”? I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!!   
 YOU can help it get there!!!   
GO AHEAD - - - BE AN AMERICAN!!!  

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Continuing Saga of the Wedding Trip...

While we were at the museum, a woman was demonstrating how the kids played back in the 1700's.  We got to  try the toys and games, and she told Chris that he needed to hang on to me b/c life w/me was going to be a lot of fun and she sang to us..."Ohh child, things are gonna get easier..."  After we left there, we went over to Bodie Island Lighthouse.  It is under renovation, so it had scaffolding all around it.  They had a new marsh board walk and it was a beautiful day, so we went out and took our picture w/the lighthouse in the background.  Then we went across the road to Coquina Beach.  There's where the two topless girls were playing frisbee...alrighty then...

We stopped at Five Guys Burgers for lunch b/c all over the internet they have that they are gluten free.  We went in and I asked at the counter.  The girl could barely speak English, so she just says "Nooooo???..."  And the two guys cooking shouldn't have been handling any kind of food, gluten free or not.  Needless to say we got out of there and went back to Outback Steakhouse.  We can always rely on them for a great gluten-free meal!  And the strawberry margaritas are awesome too!  We went back to the house and watched the sunset...Tomorrow was the big day!!

Up at 4:30 Wednesday morning and getting ready for the big day.  I got my hair done and dress on and then put on some makeup.  It didn't look good so I took it back off and just did mascara and powder.  Chris said he wondered why I had put it on to begin with.  He couldn't have been any sweeter if he tried.  When we woke up, he told me - "You are going to be mad, the wind has been blowing hard all night."  We got some good pictures of the waves on the sound though.  We went over to the beach and the officiant and photographer were there, but the witness was late.  We were wondering, but there were people lined up on the boardwalk watching us, so we thought we could grab one of them if we needed too.  She showed up about 15 minutes after the ceremony was to start, and we got married!  The sunrise was gorgeous, all pinks and peaches...  We got lots of pictures and are still waiting for the actual photos to arrive...

We went back to the house and had breakfast and changed clothes.  I called Mom and sang Happy Birthday to her!  She was excited and relieved that we had been married.  We went out to Currituck Lighthouse and climbed to the top.  They only took cash and we were a dollar short for two adult tickets, so the keeper said he would list me as a child.  I told him that was his wedding gift to us.  We climbed up to the top and the winds were 20 + miles per hour...But we walked around and took pictures and then headed back down and toured the grounds.  We walked historic Corolla and got to see one of the wild horses they bring in once a week to draw attention to the need to care for the horses.  We had drinks and snacks and walked out on the estuary boardwalk.  We saw a giant red dragonfly.  It was a nice walk but overgrown.  Then we went to the nature conservatory and walked all through it and watched the movie about the Outer Banks.  We picked up tickets for the ghost tour of the Whalehead Club!  Had burgers & mac n cheese for lunch and took a nap.  Then we went to the beach and walked and laid in the sun and picked up shells until the biting black flies drove us out.  We rode our bikes out to Grammy B's and had ice cream!  Yummy!!  Toured the historic loop on the way back and saw a Momma deer and twin fawns.  The sunset was gorgeous!

On Thurs, we drove down to Cape Hatteras.  It was a beautiful day for a drive.  They were still cleaning up hurricane damage.  The road had standing water and sand in it and there was heavy equipment moving it.  There was a huge tugboat in Oregon Inlet shooting sand way up in the air where they were dredging the shipping lanes to keep them open.  We toured the Graveyard of the Atlantic Museum, but it wasn't as interesting as it was the first time.  They took out a lot of the actual artifacts they had and opened up a huge room full of pirate mannequins and paraphenalia.  It was nice but more geared to kids.  The best tour was of the Chicamacomico Life Saving Station!  We got a lot of mosquito bites, but it was worth it.  We couldn't walk all the way out to the beach and the bucket b/c of all the standing water from the hurricane.  But it was fascinating!  We drove back to the house and had dinner and got ready for the ghost tour.  It was fun, but didn't last very long.  It was really beautiful to see the lighthouse across the lawns lit up for the night.  It was the perfect Southern night!  Chris wouldn't let me on the edge of the dock as we walked back to the car, b/c I am so clumbsy and he didn't want me falling in!

I will post more later...