More on the Mammogram Nightmare...

A situation nightmares are made of!!!!!!!!  

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but ... There were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.        Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, Belinda, try decaf. This ain' t rocket science. Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!'

Facing my first Mammogram...

Well, it's official.  I am 40 years old.  Therefore, some man somewhere decided that I need to go and have my boobies flatted out to the thickness of a dime to see if there is cancer in there somewhere.  If there isn't before they squish them, there probably will be when they are done.  I mean, seriously, who thought this up???  Their head should be put in the mammo machine!  I also considered that the doctor who ordered the mammo - a man for the sake of clarification - should have his balls put into the machine and flattened out.

My cousin says that I should practice for it.  Option 1 includes my lying on my side in the driveway while my husband drives over each boob repeatedly with his truck...seeing as how I crashed his truck last week, I think he may get a tad bit too much enjoyment out of that...  The next option involves me standing topless and braless in front of the fridge, opening the door and placing each boob against the edge and slamming the door repeatedly on it.  However, with the "peeper" neighbor we have, he may get way too involved in this one...  It is sad, but I feel some relief in finding out that I am not the only victim of his stalking and peeping.  The young lady that lives right next to me has found him peeping at her too - even pretty close to her windows.  I have considered running thru the yard naked to see if that is what he is dying to see - an overweight 40 yr old woman bare butt naked, but decided that if he didn't like what he saw while he was peeping that the police would probably be more than happy to come out and arrest me for "indecent exposure" even though if he wasn't being a "peeping tom" he wouldn't have seen it to begin with...

But I digress...After facing the fact that I am being forced into this squishiness, I called the hospital to find out how much this torture was going to cost me.  Well, after the coronary I had over the price, it would be cheaper, safer and less painful to just have both breasts removed now, and it would also result in at least a 5 pound weight loss.  Not to mention I would be able to skip the hormone replacement/birth control pills that I am probably going to be prescribed for the other "fun" things that have started going on in my body...

Not to mention that Chris will probably need regularly scheduled sanity breaks.  My Daddy had a tough situation himself.  When I was in puberty, my Mom was in menopause, so the hormones were thick and heavy  at our house all the time...I don't know how he did it, but he walked that fine line and kept the both of us happy and sane at least most of the time...God knows the torment he went thru keeping his mouth shut...It couldn't have been an easy time!

Hopefully I will be on here with my witty banter more often!  I miss blogging and have been silent for way too long.  Some days though it is more than I can do to get what HAS to be done finished, let alone what I WANT to do....